1. Agree to the hike
The absolute highlight of an outdoor adventure is when your friend sends a stunning Instagram post with a breathtaking view from the top of an intermediate to challenging trail and you respond, “Oh my god, so beautiful – we should go!” while blissfully horizontal lying on the couch.
2. Get in the car after the hike
Fasten your seatbelts, folks – we’ve now reached cruising altitude. You haven’t dreamed so much about getting into your own car since you had your learner’s permit in hand. Everything about this moment is a win: the significant barrier between you and the elements; the ability to control the weather by turning a knob; and above all, the magic of moving and sitting still at the same time.
3. The beer after the hike
After an extremely hard tour, you deserve nothing more than a cold, delicious beer. (You also deserve an extra-large serving of trifles, a 3-pound burger, and just about any treat that equals the calories burned in the last four hours.) A beer is fortifying, nutritious, and definitely delicious. Your 7 year old’s 32 ounces of water Nalgene was just the foreplay.
4. Being in nature
Of course, some would simply argue that Be in nature the climax, the climax, is the reason why we say yes to coercion. And that’s fair. It’s hard to beat the deep, sharp inhalation of wet pine trees or witnessing the quiet dance between leaves and wind. It’s hard to overshadow all this organic beauty, the clarity that fresh air gives, and the feeling as if every bird is singing your favorite song. But agreeing to the hike, getting in the car and drinking a beer after the hike is anything but easy.
5. Reach the summit
A climax is the point of highest dramatic tension or an important turning point in the plot. A “climbing axe” means reaching the highest point and being extremely dramatic in doing so – and rightly so. You managed! You’ve reached the top! Let’s party! High five, a stranger! Eat a crushed backpack sandwich! Enjoy the view! It’s all downhill from here.
6. Document that I enjoy being outdoors
It’s liberating to escape from technology while traversing the forest. However, you just did a pretty cool activity in the middle of an epic landscape – it just calls for a mini photo shoot. How else will people know that you both resisted the temptation to take a nap on Sunday? And Look very cute in your new one puffy vest from REI?!
7. Shower after the hike
Congratulations, you made it home. Your own body is in awe of your accomplishments, even if you smell like Eau de Trail garbage. They deserve to be showered with praise – and soap and water too. Once you’ve washed away the dirt, you’ll feel fresh, renewed and ready for anything! (Except another hike.)
8. The ability to view wildlife from a safe distance
A bald eagle perched on an evergreen tree? Wheel. There is a cute deer family 20 meters away? Valuable. There’s a talking white rabbit holding a pocket watch? Oh no, I think you’re hallucinating. The idea of seeing cool creatures in their natural habitat is truly wondrous – but not coming face to face with animals with sharp teeth and sharp claws? That’s that carry Minimum.
9. Coming down the mountain
You did it – you reached the top! Splendid. Your Jell-O legs only have one question: Why isn’t there a way to stop, drop, and roll back down? National parks should consider installing mountain slides.
10. Climb the mountain
If there was a commercial for the prescription drug “Mountain Climb” that featured happy people dancing up the slope, the second half of the commercial would read: “Side effects of Mountain Climb may include: blisters, sprained ankles, fatigue, dehydration, muscles .” Cramps, broken bones, sunburn, forced small talk from passing strangers, stones in shoes, heat stroke and death. Please consult your insurance before attempting mountain climbing.”
But, you know what? The greater the risk, the greater the reward. And on this part of the journey there is nowhere to go but up.
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